Once in a Lifetime

Tags

Disney, Disneyland, Making Memories

Standing on Main Street, U.S.A., in the Magic Kingdom, March 24, 2022

Disney lovers, we spent seven days visiting Walt Disney World back in March. Immersed in another world, enjoying the company of our family, experiencing all the magic offered by Walt himself, we revisit those memories again and again. Some small event in the now catapults us back to a then moment and we relive the joy, the excitement, the wonder of that moment. There is also a longing to do it all again, soon, costs be damned. Those moments are those moments though. We cannot recreate them. While they will live forever in our memories, triggered by sights, sounds and smells today, they remain then moments. This moment, right now, is brand new and ready to be made into another precious, or not so precious, memory. I’m learning to live in anticipation of the next new moment and all it has to offer. And continue to enjoy the memories.

More Old Musings

I’ve had another awakening recently and I wanted to share it with you. I didn’t know how to word it though – and then I interacted with a friend via text, about our journeys so far and I think what I told him may be the way I wish to express it to you all:

“You say many things I can relate to as well. I am learning more every day, about me, and about the beliefs I constructed about myself based upon societal norms, upbringing, shame and circumstance. Just this week I realized that I had created the story I chose to operate by and that the story no longer serves me, who I wish to be. I get to dismantle that story, those self-imposed beliefs and re-write my story with more truth and transparency, with more vulnerability and humility. I also realize based on this experience that my story will continue to evolve, become cleaner, clearer, more true, simpler, as long as I continue to practice self-awareness, slow down, and be present.”

So – I’ve been unraveling about 40 years of … construction, conditioning … the creation, the evolution of present day Kathy. It’s been an interesting and somewhat painful, ego-deflating process.

Over the past weekend I attended a 3-day business conference of the most unique nature and I was presented with the opportunity to own all my misery. By that I mean this: I am 54 years old, and most of my coping skills were developed and locked in by the time I was 25 or so (maybe). I lived a life of avoidance and would not see who I was. I blamed anyone and everyone for the way my life unfolded. Until very recently I did not believe that the way I operated life looked like that.

During a phone call Monday, I had a spiritual experience: BOOM!! Like that, I suddenly saw that the self-doubt voice in my head was created by me and in that realization I discovered I could dismantle that which I created. I could say No when I felt No, I could use my voice and stand up for myself and others, and I no longer need the coping skills of avoidance and blame to live my life.

Now – I also realize that I used those skills for a long time and I may slip back on occasion. I will do my best – today’s best – to remain present, ask myself questions to challenge my personal beliefs and stay true to continuing to let go of that which does not serve me or my fellows. More will be revealed.

November 16, 2019

More Will Be Revealed, and more, and more

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” – James A. Baldwin

Earl H. (newly sober alcoholic at a meeting): “A man walks up to me and says, ‘Hi Earl, how ya doin’?’ Being newly sober I have NO IDEA how I’m doing. His question frightens me. I cannot say ‘That question frightens me.’ I only know that now I am scared and that man scared me. Therefore, I hate that man.” (Paraphrased from a speaker tape)

44 years ago a pivotal event occurred in my life. I was 9. I was frightened and I did not have the tools or the caretaker capable of helping me navigate the event to a healthy outcome. My fear morphed into anger, which eventually festered into a lifelong resentment. I trusted no one, not really. I learned a set of rules to survive, to cope and played a game – show them what they want to see, please everybody. Do not show them the true me. Do not oppose. Do not cry. Do not get angry. Do not disagree. And also, do not show fear. Do not let them know they got to me. Do not let them hurt me. I played that game for so long I forgot I was playing it. It became my new reality and Me got lost. 20 years of drug and alcohol abuse to first relieve and then to hide from the resentment. 15 years of sobriety, addiction recovery, therapists, workshops, writing – digging deep, healing… little did I know that I was preparing for the big reveal.

This past year I’ve read more personal development books, attended more seminars, and done more writing, truth seeking, uncovering and facing than I have in the previous 14 years. I became so willing to move forward through unseen forces that I have allowed to hold me in place my whole life that my healing was accelerated tenfold.

Uncovering old hurts, facing them, working through them and letting them go, has allowed me to put them in their correct light.

February 1, 2019

Witness

“Most of the time,” Jesus said, “when people speak to me, they aren’t looking for someone to fix things or solve their problems. They are looking for someone who can listen while they get something heavy off their hearts, or while they work through things out loud.”

When I truly listen, I can hear beyond the words, to the pain, the despair, the confusion. I can hear the reasoning, the wrestling, and I am witness to the awakening within them as they arrive at their own truth. I can also see when they get too close to their truth and become afraid.

Everyone has a choice – to face the current level of truth for them and slowly dig deeper, or to turn away and remain stuck, stagnant. My best service comes in allowing them to make that choice.

One cannot truly force someone to see what they are not ready to see. One can, however, provide a level of bravery or courage while the other approaches the dark places.

April 18, 2023

Beyond Reasonable Doubt

Tags

Fiction, Life, Story

Late in the afternoon in early November I was driving down the busy 10 freeway heading west toward my home in Orange County, the sun just then dipping below the sun visor as I cruised past Beaumont. For one brief moment the sun was blotted out by a billboard. 

Beyond Reasonable Doubt  JESUS IS ALIVE (855) FOR-TRUTH

At first, I laugh. Clever, I think. Then I contemplate that phone number. I wonder. I consider. I mean, what if?

My sense of humor gets the best of me. Curiosity wins. I instruct my car to dial the number. 

The electronic ringing echoes through the cabin of my Subaru Outback. One ring. Two rings. The middle of the third trilling ring is cut off as the call connects. 

A soft spoken woman answers. 

“Hello”

I pause. 

She repeats herself. “Hello?”

“Hello,” I reply. “I’m looking for Jesus.”

She pauses. I think to myself, like he’d actually be there. Like he’d want to talk to me. Ha. 

“Just one moment please,” she finally says, and places me on hold. Soft, gentle sitar music floats through the cabin. 

I’m skeptical. I mean, anyone could come on the line claiming to be Jesus, right? Still, I’m curious and I have a while to go before I arrive at home. 

After a short time the music cuts out and a voice says, “Hello. This is Jesus. What can I do for you?”

How do you answer a question like that, from Jesus? I started with, “Hello Jesus. Welcome back.”

The voice thanked me. Then the voice said, “You have doubts. Not just about me. About many things. Would you like to sit with me, talk?”

Compelling. Invited to sit and talk with Jesus. Still skeptical and now a bit cautious, I think, why not? Some public place, coffee shop or diner, that would be safe. I opened my mouth to speak and that neutral, comforting voice beats me to it: “I understand your disbelief in this moment. How about I meet you at that coffee shop just south of the next exit, Starbucks? My treat. It’s a public place, plenty of people. I want you to feel safe.”

I’m pretty sure my vehicle wobbled a little when Jesus said that. I steadied the car and quietly said, “Yes. See you in a few.” 

Belonging

Tags

Life, Personal experience

Belonging

“I just want to belong…” Have you ever thought that? Okay, maybe that wasn’t the specific thought. You’re at work, in the break room, sitting along, eating your lunch and a group comes in laughing and chatting and you feel a tug, inside. Like you want to be a part of that. Or maybe, you know that group and you want to be as far away as possible.

Wanting to be a part of a group probably began when I was young, around 4th or 5th grade, when life around me, in my household was slowly falling apart. I didn’t know that I needed to be with others who’s parents were in a divorce, or that had a step-mom, or didn’t know how to relate to the mom they didn’t live with anymore. I wanted to connect and I didn’t know how. I felt like an outsider all of the time.

In high school, I joined the local junior police cadets, a part of the boy scouts, because I wanted to be a police officer. I felt a part of, sometimes, and awkward and out of place at other times.

I also joined the theater classes. Stagecraft they called it, the back stage part of theater – lights, sounds, sets and costumes. That was the first time in a long time I felt like I’d found a group I wanted to be a part of – the police thing was fun, but it required a lot of work, and I was in the public eye. In theater, I was in the dark, in the back, unseen and important at the same time. Also, most of the students in theater, grades nine through twelve, were misfits, like I felt. There was Joey, a punk rock kid, and Desire, the gypsy. Rick, a red-headed actor, and the techies. I loved the techies. I loved creating illusion out of nothing on stage. We recreated the hospital ward from One Flew Over A Cuckoo’s Nest, and the farmhouse in Oklahoma. I had useful skills in that world and I felt valued and important.

The best part of that brief moment in time was the belonging. I could be me. I didn’t have to pretend with those people, and they liked me as I was. After the ninth grade, it was another long stretch before I belonged to a small group of people again.

Lego Life Lesson Reminders

Tags

Life, Magic, Personal experience, truth

Lego Life Lesson Reminders

Building Lego kits reminds me of life lessons… I thought I’d share that with you today.

My husband bought me a Lego Creator kit for a 1967 Mustang. This kit has over 1,400 bricks and pieces, and the completed model will be 13.5 inches long and 5.5 inches wide. The instruction manual has 195 pages for the basic design and about 20 more pages to the super charger engine. Challenging, right?

Have you ever put together Legos? Kits, I mean, although, there is something rather meditative about building something from your imagination using Lego bricks.

Lego kits come with instructions and all the bricks you need to build whatever is pictured on the box.

Here’s how it works. Each page  in the instruction booklet features:

1. a diagram of the pieces you need to build the sequence on that page.
2. step by step diagram of how to put those pieces together.
3. diagram to show you where to put that bit you just built.

Legos provides step by step instructions, and building a Lego offers you an opportunity to be present. I cannot think of or focus on anything else while I am putting together Legos. I am required to stay in the present moment in order to build the kit properly.

Master Creators create Legos beginning with the end in mind. Actually, I think Legos may come up with the end result IDEA first (“Wouldn’t a Millenium Falcon be a cool Lego kit? I wonder how we could do that?”, said some Master Creator somewhere) and then deconstructs the idea (go backwards and creates a series of steps) so that they – the Master Builders – can create a kit with all the pieces to build something amazing.

I applied this deconstruction (start at the end and go backwards) technique on purpose just recently – even though I’ve been using it unconsciously for most of my life.

In the beginning of this post I mentioned that Legos provides an instruction manual (sometimes with over 200 pages). I also recall hearing again and again over the years about how LIFE does not come with an instruction manual. Nor does parenting (although there are hundreds of books on both subjects these days… but they are pretty general and each of us is pretty unique).

Except that maybe life DOES come with instruction manuals. You probably have a set of instructions you’ve developed for many of your daily activities, although you may not realize it. Everything we do during the day requires a series of steps. Let’s use taking a shower as an example – what goes into that? Well, the water has to be running, right? Shampoo, Conditioner, and soap are typically involved – what order you use those in is up to you. Wash cloth or no wash cloth (some folks use those plastic scrubbies). You’ll need a towel within reach to dry off. Do you take clothes into the bathroom with you to get into after you dry off? Think about your bathing process. That’s a series of steps.

Getting the kids ready for school? You probably repeatedly do the same thing each morning to get from waking up to getting out the door.

Brushing your teeth. Doing the dishes. Making a meal.

Step by step. A series of processes. You have created a bunch of mental instruction manuals.

When the goal or desire is bigger, or you want to achieve something on purpose, that process may seem overwhelming, or unclear. How then could you apply the instruction manual, or deconstruction technique, to the bigger things in life? The things you desire? Better job, bigger house, that European vacation (I assume everyone wants one of those).

I used the deconstruction for a dream of mine: the end result or desire – a bigger house. How do I get there? I broke it down, I started at the end and went backwards – probably just like the Lego Master Builders. To move into a bigger house, I need to move out of this littler house and I’d like to rent this one rather than sell it. This littler house is not ready to be rented as it is, so I need to improve a couple of things – kitchen, driveway. I also need to qualify for a loan for that bigger house, and be able to pay the mortgage. I’ll need money for both of those things – to fix little house, to pay for bigger house. I have a little income, but I’ll need more, so I need a side hustle. Going backwards, and WRITING IT DOWN, helps me to SEE the process to get where I want to go, and to help me stay on track as I head there – because life will present challenges and try to knock me off track. A written plan will keep me moving forward.

I wrote an instruction manual to get a house.

You can do the same thing to get a job, buy a car, improve a relationship, get into better shape, be a better parent, finish college, or what ever it is that you desire. Step by step, you build upon the foundation of your desire until you get to the end. And you can do this over and over again.

That’s what Legos reminded me about today. I can write my own instruction booklet for every desire I have, big and small. And if I follow the steps, I will reach my goals.

For now though, I’m going to go work on that Mustang!

The Nuances of Life

Tags

Life, Personal experience, Relationships, truth

The Nuances of Life

I was about to drift off to sleep and I was thinking – as I’m sure some of you do as you drift off to sleep – thinking about a live event I get to attend on Tuesday, and the person I get to learn from, and his language which is similar to my language. By that I mean, I drop ‘f’ bombs when appropriate (and sometimes when its not so appropriate), and so does he – and he is real, he is authentic. What you see is what you get. (Although I’ll find out Tuesday when I meet him in person.)

And that thought led to a conversation I had the other day with a friend, discussing that she didn’t know how to be – that different situations called for a different representation of herself (this is more cerebral and detailed than the actual conversation was). Something that prompted me to think, “Why can’t you just be YOU regardless of the company?”

And tonight, thinking about Tuesday as I drifted off to sleep, I realized that I am not the same me to everyone I meet. Some people wouldn’t respond to me the same as other people do. Which means – that while I am working toward being an authentic single version of me, I am still holding back, or masking certain aspects of my personality to appease others. I still give a shit what people will think of me long after we part ways. I behave the way I think they will best respond to instead of adhering to a personal set of values that do not waver, and not worrying about what other people think of me.

What other people think of me is out of my hands, out of my control. Spending time and energy attempting to control that subtracts from my mission to be authentic, to be me. The best version of me continues to evolve but ultimately the core values are just that – core.

When I thought about who I am most real with and why, it shed light on who I am not authentic with, and why not.

So as I drift off to sleep tonight, I will go to sleep knowing that tomorrow I will review my core values and I will stick to those when I interact with everyone. And those who align with my core values will seek a relationship with me and those who don’t won’t.

And either way, it’s none of my fucking business. I’ll treat each one with the same level of love, tolerance and respect I’d like to receive.

Maybe you have some thoughts on what authentic means to you, and what core values you live by on a day to day basis. I’d love to hear about them. Comment below, please. Let’s get to know each other a little better.

Until I hear from you, goodnight.

The Little Writer That Could

Tags

Humor, Life, Personal experience, Silly, truth

The Little Writer That Could

Once upon a time there was this girl. She wanted to write, to share her stories, both real life and imagined.  She didn’t know how to tell a story really well, on purpose. But she had determination and a computer. She started a blog – an intermittent blog (that’s what I could rename this blog – The Intermittent Blog) – with stops and starts, great ideas put down in digital words, and some not so great ideas that folks stopped by to read anyway.

She got likes and comments, and she felt real good about it on the days she had thoughts to share. There were other days though, days when life got busy and no blog-type thoughts visited her mind. Those days were harder, because she wanted to be consistent, and share all kinds of interesting stuff and insight, get lots of followers and share experience and knowledge.

This is one of those times – it’s been days since I posted. And I felt bad – I said I’d post. I guess committing to a post every day is just too much for me to ask myself right now. I mean, even great writers had their off days.

I am taking a couple of online courses – focused education. I am learning more about real estate wholesaling and also about social media marketing. I have great teachers.

I also invest in real estate and that involves a lot of footwork, meeting with homeowners who want to sell their homes and do not want to do any work to the homes or deal with a real estate agent. My husband and I help with that – we find buyers who want to offer cash in exchange for a discount on the property. It’s not for everyone – there are folks out there though who are grateful for our service.

And life, in general, day to day stuff – the expected and the unexpected. (For example, there is a large adult skunk residing somewhere in our yard at the moment. Seriously. I would have taken a photo today, but I also did not want to upset the gentle creature. Made it difficult to leave the house until the sun broke through the clouds. The cat was not happy.)

Anyway, that’s my story and (as my husband loves to say) you’re stuck with it.

Tomorrow is the release of the photo prompt for Fictioneers Friday. Stay tuned.

Friday Fictioneers – New Purpose

Tags

Fiction, Fun, Magic, Poetry, Story

New Purpose (Friday Fictioneers – 100 words limit)

The early 1900s, and I was grand.

Ivories first tickled by a young piano teacher.

An instrument of training for great and future pianists.

My rich sound, inspiration of a thousand students.

The centerpiece to decades of recitals.

A good, long life in service to others.

But time, and the instructor, passed.

Age took its toll.

No more was I cared for or tuned.

I was shuffled into a corner.

And then to the alley.

Nature’s elements then took their toll.

Years passed, and one day…

A kindly soul, some soil, some flowers.

I gained new purpose.

I serve again.

PHOTO PROMPT © Anshu Bhojnagarwala

The challenge – write a complete tale in 100 words using the photo prompt as inspiration – and that’s Friday Fictioneers. Thanks to Rochelle for posting the photo prompt for Friday Fictioneers. Special thanks to Anshu Bhojnagarwala for this thought provoking photograph.

I hope you enjoyed reading this, as I enjoyed writing it.

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