Everything happens for a reason – I believe that. I also believe that I do not get to know what that reason is. If I am allowed a glimpse of the Master Plan, it is usually in hindsight. I sometimes get to look back and suddenly the WHY is crystal clear or, at least, I have a better understanding.
Last night during a 12 Step meeting, I got to look back.
Someone shared about something that reminded me of the text I got from my brother stating – MISstating – that she only had 12 – 36 hours left. I left work, called my boyfriend, met him at my home where I packed some clothes. He drove me to my mother’s in Los Angeles. I did this all in a detached from myself manner.
And I spent the next 28 days in my mother’s home in Culver City, being of service, and being kept out of my head.
If I’d remain living in my home, driving back and forth during that final 28 days of her life, I may well have had an opportunity to find out just how much I relied on the program of recovery. Instead, I was ‘sequestered’ in my mother’s house, where I did what needed to be done for her comfort and care, stayed mostly out of my head, and found a much closer connection to my Higher Power.
During this past week, although I have had new challenges to face, my brain has left ‘survivor’ mode and returned to the high velocity mode it is accustomed to. And circumstances provided me the opportunity to see how being called to my mother’s side 28 days early put me right where I needed to be, to be reminded of my faith in my Higher Power, to be of service to my mother showing her love, compassion, kindness and forgiveness, and to be supportive of my brother as he walked beside me down that path.
Left to my own devices, in my own head, wallowing perhaps in my impending loss, I may have decided that I just wasn’t up to the challenge and I may have decided ‘checking out’ was a better plan. I am grateful that God – my Higher Power – chose to put me where I needed to be to keep me out of harm’s way, did for me what I could not (maybe would not have) do for myself.
I never know what’s in store. I do know that if I complete the next indicated step, all will be well. It always is. That’s my experience, anyway.
(Written October 30, 2014 – edited November 10, 2014)