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Inspired to Share

One of the actions suggested by the Blogging 101 moderator was to read a few posts, comment on four of them, and from those comments, elaborate.

There is one post I feel especially drawn toward. She writes. I read and feel a connection. This particular post – the inspiration for my post – reminded me of those days when I wake up restless, irritable and discontent without any connection as to why.

This feeling, thankfully, hasn’t come over me in a while, and it took some time to recognize it when it did. That feeling of a heavy weight, of a sorrow, on the heart. In the past the answer was to wallow, to call in sick, to isolate and avoid other people, to ignore the phone when it rang and to generally check out. Eventually it was identified as depression.

When I was young, I checked out with television, reading or playing pretend. When I got older, alcohol then marijuana did the trick. Eventually, those didn’t work anymore. But there was an abundant supply of movies on DVD, and video streaming to keep my mind occupied when it didn’t feel like dealing with life.

A major breakthrough occurred when I realized the depression usually followed a bout of anger kept to myself, unacknowledged and unresolved.  It took several years to discover that the way out of that low, lonely, morose feeling was to take Action – to MOVE. Laying in bed, under the covers, all day while watching movie after movie, or an entire season of a television series while eating a bag of potato chips with onion dip was feeding the depression. Nothing was getting done, I didn’t feel any better (hell, I didn’t FEEL), and I was stuck. I learned some things from listening to people who had gone through the same kind of thing and the main thing was Get Up, Suit Up and Show Up. Take Action and MOVE.

Getting out of bed (dragging my butt from the mattress to the toilet) was the first step. Turning on the shower was next. Getting IN the shower. Washing. Toweling dry. You get the picture.  Doing simple things like that slowly replaced the need to wallow, to succumb to the low feelings.  Some days it took longer – Making it to the parking lot of the office was huge progress. Other days, it lasted until an evening meeting of like-minded folks.

I’ve been through some experiences since the solution of Action that could have been great excuses to check out.  The choice to end my marriage and following through.  The death of my mother and spending the last 33 days of her life by her side. Instead, those experiences made me stronger, more confident in the person I’m becoming. I moved forward through the pain, felt the feelings, and lived through it.

It sounds easier than it is, but with each contrary action – going against the desire to hide from the world – it gets easier.

Thanks, you, for the reminder and the inspiration.